The Gas Shortage

It was announced yesterday that there was more than likely going to be a gas shortage in North Carolina over the course of the next couple of weeks due to a leak in the pipeline somewhere. I decided I had better stay at home this weekend so I conserve the half tank of gas I have in my car to get back and forth to work this week.

This happened one other time when I lived in Charlotte in 2010. At that time I was commuting about 50 miles a day round trip so it was a little more serious than this situation is (I think)as the gas shortage was region wide. I remember my store manager called all of the department managers together and gave us a big speech about how not having enough gas to make it to work would not be accepted as an excuse for not being there. He pretty well told us to not go anywhere after work. He decided to give an example. He said "I do not want to hear stories about you going to Leather and Lace South (a strip club in Charlotte) and then not having enough gas to get to work the next day." There were about 30 department managers in the room and when he said Leather and Lace South, 29 pairs of eyes looked at me. All I could come up with was "What? Why are you looking at me?" I couldn't help but laugh. I don't know why everyone I worked with would think I would do something like that.

I Better Hurry

This is one of those kind of stories that old men tell and as much as I hate to admit it, this story confirms my status as an old man. It was my day off, I slept in a little bit (and yes 8 AM is sleeping in) and I thought I would make a Bojangle's run when I got up. I had a few other errands to run while I was out and I thought I would take care of everything while I was out.

I went by Bojangle's, ate my biscuit, and headed by Ingle's to fill my car with gas. As I am finishing up, my stomach starts rumbling. I wanted to drop by my storage unit which was only about a quarter mile from Ingle's so I am thinking "I have plenty of time before I need to find a bathroom." I stopped by my storage unit and dropped off a few boxes and right as I was locking it back up, my stomach really started rumbling except for it was more of a growl. I needed to find a bathroom fast but my house was about three miles away. I quickly calculated that if I drove like a bat out of hell, I could make it to my house before my ass exploded. What I did not calculate was the fact that I had to go through a security gate, navigate traffic, a red light, and the local law enforcement who had nothing better to do than write speeding tickets on a Friday morning.

The speed limit to my house is 45 MPH. My math (and my ass) told me I needed to do 75 MPH. I kept one eye out for the local po po and the other eye watched out for traffic. I made it to the turn off to my driveway to the house and I had to wait on some old man out for a ride on his motorcycle, and another car. They did not understand the seriousness of my situation. I flew down my driveway and slid to a stop. I already had my seatbelt off and my key out to unlock the front door. I thought "I am going to make it!"

I ran up to the front door, jammed the key in the lock, turned the key, turned the door knob and bounced right off the front door. The door would not open. I slapped the door a couple of time in frustration, pulled my key out, and realized that I was a little too exuberant in trying to open the door. I had bent the key in half. I also realized that I had about five seconds to "splashdown."

I looked at my mangled key and I had to make a quick decision. The construction crew that works on the property had left a dump truck behind and I knew I needed to utilize the assets I had on hand. I sprinted over, pulled my shorts down (luckily I went kamikaze when I left the house), squatted beside one of the tires of the dump truck, and then my ass exploded. It was not pretty. My quick thinking had averted a disaster that could have happened in the front seat of my car but I knew it wasn't over yet.

I still needed to get back in the house before round two hit. I bent the key back as straight as I could, managed to get the door open, and promptly tripped right over my dog Molly, who was so happy to see me she could not hide her joy and was insistent on getting in my way all the way to the bathroom. After round two was over, I promptly threw my shorts away and took a shower.

I can now share my story with other old men and I am sure we will laugh about it. God knows a couple of my friends that I have already shared the story with have already found it funny as hell.

Strip Club Investigative Task Force

Greenville County, SC's persecution of the Platinum Plus Gentleman's Club has helped clue me in that I could have been getting paid to go to strip club's all of these years. Greenville took $26,000 of "forfeited" money was I believe the way it was listed and gave to undercover officers over the course of the year long investigation to spend on alcohol, lap dances, and some private time in the VIP room. Greenville County threw the book at the club and the girls that worked there. The charges varied from prostitution to exposure and performing illegal sex acts.

Greenville County spent over $100,000 in their prosecution of Platinum Plus including $80,000 in legal fees. One of the lawyer's watched ten hours worth of lap dance video in order to try to find examples of wrong doing. The first dancer on trial one a unanimous verdict in being acquitted. Her lawyer kicked the prosecution's ass and shredded their case. Platinum Plus has been fined $100,000 and a representative in the prosecutor's office described the situation as "almost a win."

It is now coming out that the officers were drunk (at taxpayer expense although the money was labeled as "forfeited"), committed sex acts of their own, and acted sleazier than the worst of the customers. I wonder if they are going to be fired or put on trial or even charged with the smallest of infractions?

I want to start my own Strip Club Investigative Task Force so I can investigate all of the wrong doings. Let the officers go back to fighting real crime and have a go at all of the unsolved murders, assaults, and robberies. Let me and my expert team investigate the dark underworld of the strip clubs and I promise we will get to the bottom of this.

My Own X-Files Story

I have never really formed a belief about UFO's. I have never really even given UFO's much consideration. I had a roommate once who was fascinated by UFO's. He watched all of the UFO shows- Ancient Aliens, UFO Sightings- and anything else that involved UFO's. He even dragged me to see that movie Cowboys Vs. Aliens. He ended up dying from pancreatic cancer shortly after he moved in and when I finally got around to clearing his DVR, he had 100 hours of UFO television shows recorded.

On the night of 6 September, I came home from work about 10:30 and I immediately leashed Molly up so I could take her for a walk. The skies were clear and it was a moonless night from my vantage point. We had just started walking down the driveway when I looked up and saw what I originally thought was an airplane flying over. I live near the Asheville Regional airport in the mountains of North Carolina so it is not unusual to see airplanes flying over. This plane was different. It was flying over Butt Mountain but this plane was more lit up than any of the other planes I had seen as well as being much bigger. It was oblong and saucer shaped and the white lights went around the perimeter of the aircraft.

There is a cell phone tower that sits on top of Butt Mountain and it has flashing red lights that are easily spotted. The aircraft flew towards the cell phone tower and then it just disappeared behind the mountain. The aircraft was very low to the ground and I was startled when it disappeared. I kept waiting to hear the crash or the explosion but it never came. The aircraft also never reappeared. I marked the spot where I was standing in the driveway so I could a better look at the spot I saw the aircraft in the morning.

I consider myself a rational person so I spent much of that night trying to rationalize what I had seen. I tried coming up with rational explanations but there weren't any that satisfied my rational mind. There are no roads up there so it could not have been headlights from a car. It was also not an airplane as it was too large and too low to the ground. It could not have been a smaller plane as I never heard the drone of an engine and it was too lit up.

I looked up UFO sightings in North Carolina and there have been many reported this year but not many in the western North Carolina mountains. One or two in Asheville over the past couple of month and a couple of more in Mills River but that was about it. The few sightings in the mountains I really can't explain either.

That Guy: College Advisor

I have been advising a friend of mine's son who just went away to college. He has been gone for about two weeks now, comes home every chance he gets, and has really not made any friends yet. My advice to him was to stay up there on the weekends, go to a few parties, go to a football game, and if things are still bad, go to a strip club. He will be surprised at how many friends he will have when he passes out a stack of singles and spends about an hour in the VIP room. Maybe I should set up a counseling booth like Lucy in the Peanuts comic strip.

What's In A Name?

I have picked up many names over the years, most are not really flattering, but what the hell, I suppose they are terms of endearment. Some of the better ones are Dino (and no not the purple dinosaur from the Flinstones), Big Daddy, Jackass, The Professor (my personal favorite), Gibby, and Mr. Slut (I really do not think that one will catch on). Some of the nicknames are obvious, some of them I have earned, and others I do not know what they are talking about. On the one hand I could say I made enough of an impression for the people to give me a term of endearment. On the other hand, I could say I have made a bad enough of an impression for them to give me a nickname. Either way, they remember who I am.

College: The Sleazy Frontier

A friend of mine at work took her son to college today and she does not understand the world of opportunities that lay in front of her son. She would not let me give him a pep talk before he left either. I am more than willing to be her son's mentor. I am sure my friend was going to shed quite a few tears when she left her son at the dorm on the campus and I told her that he should be knee deep in sorority girls at a keg party by the time she got home. There is a world full of sleazy opportunities that lay in front of him. The campus is full of strippers, future strippers, and girls that are just willing to get naked. My friend's son should be spanking more asses than a school teacher.

My friend is in denial about her son but I think it is important for any young man to get in touch with their inner sleaze. He needs to get all of the flooseys, tramps, and crazy women out of his system while he is still in college. He needs to wake up and not remember how he got there and wearing some girls 38 DDD bra on his head. That is where your real experiences from college come from. The classroom is just a small part of it. You have to learn how to handle booze, women, and your studies. That makes for a well rounded education.