Rudolph The Acrobat

Most heavy drinkers are quite acrobatic in their movements and there was one night in particular where Rudolph's skills as an acrobat were on full display. I came home from shopping late one Friday night and Rudolph was just winding up his night's activities. I start unloading the bags of groceries from my car and my roommate was watching Rudolph and suddenly she yelled "He is going to fall."

That caught my attention and right as I looked up and sure enough, Rudolph starts the slow motion dance that only people that are very drunk can do. He tried catching his balance but there was no balance to be had. By the time he made it to the top step, it became time to watch the train wreck. Rudolph had on a bright green shirt so he was easy to watch. He fell down the four steps end-over-end and he hit his head really hard twice. As he lay motionless at the bottom of his steps, my roommate, who is a CNA, yells out "Oh my God! We have to go see if he is okay."

My response was "Oh, hell no. I am not going through this shit again. He is not my problem." She implored me to go with her to check on him as "he might be dead." Once again, it was not my problem but out of humanitarian concerns, I stood at the end of my driveway and I yelled out "Are you OK?" several times until he started stirring at the bottom of the steps. My roommate was already halfway through his yard when he started pulling himself up using the railing on his steps. He was very shaky but very much alive. Problem solved.

The next morning Rudolph did not make it out of the house until about lunchtime but he was moving around better than I was. I believe I need to start drinking what he is drinking.

Just Another Steve

My living circumstances have changed a couple of different times over the course of the past year but one thing seems to remain a constant. The one thing seems to be no matter where I go, I find someone who insists on going thru life sauced. First it was my roommate Steve, and now it is my neighbor Rudolph.

Rudolph is prone to having these drunken fits where he rages against the world on his front porch every night about 9 PM and philosophizes on the meaning of life shortly after his rant. Rudolph then gets the party started by playing bad music while sitting in his car in his driveway and smoking a joint. Sometimes he knocks off his deejaying about 11 but sometimes he is feeling his groove and keeps it going until 2 in the morning.

Rudolph sleeps until 10 AM, he might work for three hours, he takes a five hour nap in the afternoon, and he is ready to go again. It is great work if you can get it. There is an old saying that goes something like "God looks out for drunks and fools" and you must be especially blessed if can wear both of those hats.