The Face Plant

I see videos all the time on Youtube and on other video sites of people face planting. Face planting is the art of falling down and not being able to brace yourself for impact and your face is the first thing that hits the ground. It can be quite comical for the viewer and a little painful and embarrassing for the face planter. It has probably happened to all of us at one point and time.

Steve turned face planting into an art form. It was almost like watching a Three Stooges short or a Charlie Chaplin movie. He fell off the porch, he fell while being on flat ground, he fell down the mountain, he fell in the house, he fell in the neighbor's yard. Steve stood a chance of face planting wherever he happened to be standing. According to Steve, alcohol was never the problem. It was always his feet. He never quite connected the dots. His feet didn't work because of the alcohol.

One of my favorite Steve face plants had to be Memorial Day of 2015. He was having people over to the house because he was having a cookout. To say he was "three sheets to the wind" by the time they got here is an insult to the phrase three sheets to the wind. Everyone was playing lawn darts and Steve was sitting in a chair watching everyone play and then he decided to get into the game. I am standing back watching all of this and thinking "Now there is a good idea." Steve tried to get up and it is hard to describe what happened next but I will try.

When Steve stood up, he couldn't quite get his feet under him and he looked like he was doing a cross between the Funky Chicken and the Electric Slide. He staggered across the yard doing his hybrid dance and I was watching him the whole time. As he tried to gather his feet under him he started picking up speed and his body was well out in front of his feet. I knew he was going down. He did this little dance for about twenty feet and then it was face first into the gravel driveway. He didn't even brace himself for the impact. I didn't know whether to laugh or to cheer his athletic prowess or to be worried about his safety. He did not feel a thing. He swore up and down the next day that he did not have a drop to drink.

I was telling our friend about it later on that week and because Steve's drinking exploits were already stuff of legend, I asked my friend "How much would Steve have to drink to face plant like that?" His answer was, "Enough to float a battleship." I don't think Steve is quite ready for Dancing with the Stars but I can see a new dance craze sweeping the land.